With My Eyes Closed
by JuubiOokami
Summary: Kyo receives a letter written to him years ago by his dead mother, and as his world begins to be tormented with horrific guilt Shigure lives through his own pain of remembering whilst he helps the younger Sohma to cope with it all. Shigure/Parental.Angst
1. Prologue

**Heya! Another story from me. This is going to be a conjoint angst fic about both Shigure and Kyo. I'm going to try and keep the two in character as much as possible under the extreme circumstances they are about to have to go through. I just want to explore their relationship with each other if they could relate to one another in this way.**

**I'm also not going to be to extreme with the situations I put these two in, but be warned that I'm going to be dealing with dark thoughts and themes, and the rating may go up.**

**Finally this is more a prologue then anything else, and introduction to how the whole thing will start. **

**Disclaimer – I don't own! Don't sue!**

"Bla" – Speech

'_Bla'_ – thought

_**Bla **_- Written word

-

'_It's bearable.'_

Kyo closed the fridge door and turned back toward the table, the bottle of milk in his hand.

'_If it'__s just a thought it's bearable.'_

He propped himself down at his seat and took a long drag of the drink, not bothering to serve it into his glass first. After all, he was the only one in the house who drank the stuff.

'_It's bearable if I remind myself that it's passed, and that it's not coming to get me anymore. This guilt is bearable.'_

"Kyo-kun! Good Morning!!" Tohru chirped brightly as she appeared in the doorway, her disposure, as always, cheerful. Yuki followed shortly afterwards still not conscious enough to be called awake.

'_The guilt of killing my own mother.'_

"Did you sleep well last night? Only I thought I heard someone moving around." She asked, her eyes wide and innocent, so full of care and concern.

'_Even if it's still here, I've buried it deep. But still, all it would take was for one small disturbance and I might just…fall.'_

"It was probably Shigure, you know he's nocturnal."

"A, y-yes." The girl rubbed the back of her head with a little titter just as the doorbell sounded through the house. "Ah! Coming!"

'_But it'__s alright, because I'm staying here, staying and drowning in this lukewarm water with her. As long as we keep floating like this It'll be fine.' _

"Oy…stupid-cat…haven't you ever hear of a manners before?" Yuki grumbled the moment she was gone, eyeing the ginger head with dark rimmed eyes.

"What the hell's that supposed to mean you damn rat!"

'_But it's a delicate balance…a slight breeze and it'll start to move. But It'll be fine. I'm fine. Nothing here will remind me…no…'_

"You couldn't even ask Honda-san how she slept or anything?"

"Shut the hell up you bastard!"

'_So why do I feel…like something's coming?'_

Tohru appeared in the doorway a second later looking around, "Yuki-kun have you seen Shigure-san? Only the post has arrived and he has several letters."

"Sorry Honda-san, but I haven't. He might have gone out this morning."

"Y-yes! I see! Never mind then."

'_Why do I feel like…'_

"Ah! Kyo-kun you have a letter too!" she passed it to him beaming.

"A letter?" he took it and glanced down to the curly writing.

'…_like something's about to tip that careful scale.'_

_**To – Sohm**__**a Kyo.**_

_**From – Sohm**__**a Mayamako.**_

"Kyo-kun?"

'_Why do I feel like my whole world is about to shatter?'_

_-_

**And that's all for now Folks! Review and I'll write a longer chapter next time.**


	2. Wrong

**Hey Everybody! Another update from me! Sorry that this chapter is also quite short in comparison to the amount that I normal****ly write for an update. **

**Unfortunately I felt that I couldn't add more in this chapter because it just didn't feel right.**

**-_- Please forgive me.**

**A little fun fact- I love writing about people's character and psychology. Human beings are to me the most interesting thing. For that reason I'm going to carefully try and depict how I believe each individual character of this story thinks.**

**Before I do charge into the oblivion of trying to understand things which are probably way beyond me I think that you guys, as the readers, have a big right to tell me what y'all think of what I plan to do.**

**So staring with Shigure-**

**Shigure's going to have a very calm outer shell, but in-fact on very many occasions be thinking something of the direct opposite of his appearance. Sometimes, however, though rarely, he will have emotions burst out of him without meaning to (for example laughing hysterically when he saw Tohru in a tent.) **

**He's going to be manipulative, wise, and ruthless, but also he is going to be fair and kind. His goals even though he may seem to just ****use**** people for his own personal gain, are in-fact beneficial to everyone, and he has a great amount of unseen care for the people around him.**

**Shigure is also going to have a very interesting way of speaking, his words will be colourful and vocabulary wide. This is because as he is a writer he appreciates words and likes to play with them.**

**His insight will be good, and his acting and lying will be amazing, as to be expected for the anti-hero like character he portrays.**

**What do you all think?**

**Sorry to keep blabbering! ON WITH THE STORY!**

**Disclaimer – This part is just depressing…I DON'T OWN IT! I'm just being a Shigure and using other people for the fun on it!**

**-**

Sohma Shigure whistled quietly to himself as he knocked a rhythm to match on Hattori's door and waited.

'_He might not be awake…'_

There was an extended pause and finally a rattle as the sliding screen was opened and his friend appeared, a cigarette hanging from his lips.

"Shigure?" he asked, mild surprise lighting up his face.

'_What am I thi__nking? Haa-san's an early bird.'_

"I came to see Akito, and thought I should drop by before I left." The novelist smiled, not letting his relief that the other man was around show in his dark eyes.

"Isn't it a little early to be making house calls?" the doctor asked, allowing him to enters as he walked back over toward his desk, "How did you get here?"

"Ha-san sure is talkative in the morning." Shigure seated himself down on the provided sofa. "And I couldn't sleep so I went for a walk."

"All the way here?"

'_Ever the perspective one.'_

"I really couldn't sleep." The dog spirit shrugged, before lunging forward toward the desk and stealing Hattori's packet of smokes, which he took one from and lit up.

"Stop taking my things for your own." Hattori snatched the packet away from him, and attempted to take the stolen item straight from Shigure's lips. Shigure dodged him expertly, and then blew smoke in his face.

'_I need this.'_

"Bite me Haa-san I need a smoke."

'_I need this banter.'_

The other man grunted, studying his cousin before propping himself down next to him and sighing. "So what happened with Akito?"

'_Don't talk about her. Please just don't talk about her.'_

"Kami-sama is displeased with her servant as per usual." Shigure answer lightly, his voice humorous, but his eyes dangerously solemn. It was only brief but the emotion was visible long enough to make Hattori narrow his own eyes. With Suspicion? Anger? Concern?

'_It'll be one of the three__, in order…'_

"What have you done?"

'_Ah his favourite.'_

"Oh Haa-san, ever the suspicious one."

"Don't piss about with me Shigure." The man snapped and then breathing out looked away.

"Really Haa-san I'm still atoning for my past crimes, I can hardly run around trying to commit more now can I?" Shigure sighed, "Sometimes I wonder if it might not be better just to…" the black haired man shook his head, his long bangs covering his eyes for only a moment, before he straightened again a smile plastered into place once more. It was too early in the morning for this kind of conversation, and Shigure knew he need to quickly avert it before prying more wraths from his friend.

But Hattori was already talking.

"Shigure, what ever you're doing, it's not-"

"I really don't need you looking deep into the confined binds of my soul right now Haa-san…Hmm, 'the confined binds of my soul'…that's a good line, I shall make a note of it and use it in my next chapter."

'_I just need it light. I need banter…Please understand that.'_

"You can't avoid this-"

"-'I don't think that even if you searched in the deepest craves of the confined binds of my soul would you find your answer'. What do you think? Too cheesy?"

"Shigure-"

'_Read between the lines Haa-san, read between the lines.'_

"It might be a little to much, but it's meant to be a dramatic scene so-"

"-Shigure stop acting like a child and answer my question; what's going on.-"

"-Or maybe it should be 'I don't think that even if _I_ searched into the deepest craves of the confined binds of my soul I would find the answer.' What do you think Haa-san?"

'_Read me like I read you. Read me__ like a book.'_

"Shigure!"

"Please." Shigure hung his head, unable to play the game any longer.

"…" Hattori's eyes opened wide with shock.

"Listen to what I'm saying."

'_Listen to what I'm telling you.'_

"The line 'it wouldn't be possible for even me to search that deep into the confined binds of my soul to find your answer.' What do you think of it?"

"…It's a good line. Over dramatic, but what more could be expected of you?"

Shigure retorted with a small laugh and straightened his façade playing strong once more. "Well the character is meant to be an emotional drunk!"

"I thought you didn't like autobiographies."

"Ahhh! Haa-san, you words wound me to close to my ever fragile heart! Ooh! That's another good line!"

'_Nice and light'_

"Yes, you seem to be full of them today." Hattori muttered sarcastically receiving a playful glare.

"Aren't I just!? I should be a famous novelist…oh, wait, what am I saying? I _am_ a famous novelist."

"Well done for that amazing realization."

"Haa-san's just jealous. But listen to me twittering on, it's about time I got home. The children will be waking, and where will they be without their good reliable parent figure there to guide the way?"

"Tohru-kun does more in terms of those things then you do."

"Yes, in those terms, but that implies that perhaps I do more in other places?" Shigure stood, "In whatever case, thank you for my morning fix. I'll be off now."

"Wait." Hatori stood, "I'll drive you back."

Shigure blinked taken aback, "What's this? Kindness for the poor abandoned puppy?"

"Shut up or I'll take back the offer." Hattori growled grabbing his coat.

"My apologies, I would be in-depted to you if you could extend your kindness thus far as to drive me back home." Shigure played with the words, causing the other man to role his eyes and lead the way out toward his car.

'_He doesn't even trust me to be alone huh?'_

The drive was a short one and Shigure and Hattori spent most of it sat in a comfortable silence. It was quite an enjoyable difference to the shouting that the Dog spirit had sat through smiling only minutes ago.

"Shigure."

'_Ah, the silence breaks so sof__tly.'_

"Hmm? What? And would it hurt you to abbreviate my name once in a while?"

"Yes." He responded without hesitation "I'm wondering about Ayame, has he been arrested or anything? Only I haven't heard from him in over twenty-four hours."

The novelist exploded with laughter, "He'll be thrilled at your concern, I'll tell him and you won't get a minute free without him phoning to spew gratitude at you from over the line."

"If you like your outer extremities where they are I suggest you think carefully before you do any such thing. I have access to an operating table, and sleeping gas. You've been warned."

"My my, Haa-san's lack of conscience and evil side are really plain to see when you've just got up."

A small ghost of a smile danced on Hattori's face and Shigure allowed his own features to relax.

"Smiling suits you Haa-san, you should do it more often."

The smile was immediately gone, and Shigure felt something lick up the back of his spine in anger, but he felt no regret.

"We're nearly there." The Doctor's voice was monotonous.

"After all you've been through; it would be nice if you still could smile more."

There was no response so the dog spirit continued.

"But is it possible to love again? Is it possible to love two people?"

"You can't pick and choose." Hattori's voice was strained.

"I didn't say that."

No response.

'_First suspicion, now anger…'_

"After all 'Love' it's such a small word for such a big wide meaning. To love is to be happy, angry, sad, content, passionate, hateful…all those emotions installed in one small explanation – You're in love. How silly, love may be a body, but from that body spring so many limbs. I'm not one to judge, but Haa-san, having lost one arm, can't you have another one?"

"…I don't know whether to be grateful, amazed or disgusted." Hattori whispered.

"Don't be any of them; it was just a passing thought. After all; Que será, será. Whatever will be, will be. What won't happen, won't."

"Is that your answer to everything?" Hattori sped the car up.

"How else am I supposed to know if it's possible to truly love two people?"

"Why would you need to know?"

"Because you don't. Que será, será; What will be, will be huh? What has been has been? If that's how I answer the question then it makes everything excusable."

"That doesn't mean what ever you do won't be judged."

'_But it's enough to not feel sadness, pain, anger, shame…'_

"It's enough for me to not feel regret."

"I don't think you can feel regret."

"You're wrong." Shigure answered back straight away, his voice clear and unemotional. "I can feel regret. I know it too well. I know its heated torment, the constant whisper that will have a fatigued man rolling with insomnia in his bed, burning from the inside out. Regret, I know it well."

Hattori glanced at him for a moment and then rounded the corner into Shigure's drive.

"There's my lovely house! How I have missed ye so!" Shigure gabbled excitedly hopping out of the car before Hattori could ask him any further questions.

Hattori rolled his eyes, as he pulled the keys out of the ignition and followed after his hyper friend, Shigure watched him from the corner of his own eyes as he did so, but pretended not to see the concerned look on the Doctors face.

'_Concerned, yes, and disturbed. But he doesn't know what's going on in my head, oh how Haa-san wants to know. But he won't.'_

"Shigure-San!" Tohru suddenly appeared in the doorway, her face drawn with the deep lines of fear and upset as she rushed down to meet them.

"Tohru-kun?" Hattori asked as the girl appeared before them gasping.

"Hattori-San!" she gave a quick bow, "Shigure-san please you must help! Kyo-kun! Kyo-kun has locked himself in his room!"

"…?"

"…What?"

"He received a letter a few minutes ago, and then suddenly he leapt and ran to the bathroom. He was sick several times, and then locked himself in his room. The colour! It drained from his face! Yuki-kun said he would try and call you straight away. Please! Something is terribly wrong!"

'_Wrong?'_

Shigure was already past her, walking hurriedly as he took several stairs at a time in his calm hurriedness. Relaxed panic. Easy fear.

'_Everything about everything in this house is wrong.'_

Yuki met him at the top of the stair case. The rat looked even more pale then usual, his eyes narrowed in a hazy form of anxiety for the cat.

"He just suddenly…sprang up, and threw himself out of the room…like he was petrified…like he had been burnt."

'_Everything in Yuki's life has been wrong, the scars deep within the linings of his mind are so deep that even if they heal there will always been tissue white lines mapping their way through him.__ It's wrong.'_

"Shigure…The look on his face…."

Hattori had appeared behind him as Yuki continued to speak, his eyes widening with alarm as what he had seen played like a reel through his memory.

"We tried speaking to him…but…he won't answer, it sounds like he's in a great deal of pain." Tohru was also there, her eyes brimming with tears. "We were trying to contact Shigure-san, but we didn't know where you were."

'_Sweet little Tohru with her ever present smile and glowing kindness is sitting on the lid of emotions which threaten to burst out and rip her sanity to __shreds. Everything in her life…wrong.'_

"Calm down Tohru-kun. Tell us what happened exactly." Hattori ordered so calmly you could have believed him dispassionate.

But his eyes were alight.

'_Nearly blinded for love, only to feel it all slip away in one moment…can I think of a better definition for the word? Wrong. It'__s so completely…wrong.'_

"Kyo-kun was fine his morning…a little fatigued because of this morning rain. I fetched the post and he had a letter. I gave it to him, and then suddenly…!" her distress was clear as she wrung her hands.

"Go and get the letter." Shigure ordered. His voice was even and calm. Yuki brushed past him, stopping Tohru with a hand to her shoulder.

"I'll get it. Stay here." He smiled with as much assurance as he could and then disappeared to fetch the needed item. Within a moment he had returned and was wielding it carefully.

"Here." He clambered up the stairs and passed it to Shigure who took it. The man allowed his eyes to pass over the words and he bowed his head.

"Tohru-kun, please could you call Kazuma-san. Tell him it's quite urgent and that Kyo will need him now."

Tohru's eyes widened, her mouth forming into a silent 'oh' as she took a step back. Shigure just smiled softly.

'_Kyo's life is torn, ripped and then pieced carelessly together time and time again. How can one take so many different pains from so many different angles at once? To be locked away, to have your own father __abandon you…to be hated, pitied. To be the vengeful cat…It's so wrong.'_

"Why…? Why does Shihan need to come? Surely it's just a matter of him cooling his temper?" Yuki looked like he didn't believe his words even as he spoke them. "Why, just because of a letter…"

"Sohma Mayamako…" Shigure closed his eyes, tilting his head to the side carefully, his voice soft and constant. "Mayamako-san was Kyo-kun's mother."

The look on all of their faces, it was like that cold emptiness of a black pit, a single pebble dropping soundlessly, and never reaching the bottom. It remains in the darkness, always suspended in space. Not even Hattori knew. Only Shigure. Only Shigure with his steady unruffled tone, and tranquil mirror like eyes so impenetrable, and unreadable you would believe him uncaring, only Shigure with his calm smile and easy body language which showed no signs of agitation. Only Shigure knew that the Kyo had just received a letter from the dead mother he had always been blamed for killing. Only Shigure.

'_And__ oh, it's so so unbelievably wrong.'_

-

**And that's all folks! I hope you like, please feel free to give me any useful feedback! I understand that my grammer is completely appalling as well as spelling, so if you'll be patient with me and forgive me…!**

**Please Review!**


	3. Demons

**Hello! Hello! Hello! I'm sorry about the delay in update. It's actually a little short again, for which I apologize.**

**All my usual warnings – Bad grammer, ect.**

**Disclaimer – Don't own, I'm just using the characters for my own insane enjoyment, because there's nothing I love more then to watch them squirm.**

**Enjoy!**

**-**

'_I can't breath.'_

Kyo gripped his hair in-between shaking fingers and gave it a merciless yank. He didn't know exactly what the result was meant to be, but he was aware that somewhere in the back of his mind his brain was registering pain.

But he was in a much deeper kind of pain right now. A swimming, overwhelming kind of pain that was crushing him like the weight of the crashing waves of the ocean surrounding him in the deep darkness.

'_I can't breath.'_

A sickly bitter taste filled his mouth, and he attempted to heave again, only there was nothing left this time and he ended up racking dryly, his stomach pulsing desperately in his stomach.

'_Help…somebody.'_

It was spreading all through his body, under his skin causing him to shake uncontrollably, and his head to swim like he had been hit hard in the temple. He was already kneeling on the floor, having collapsed against the wall from the cruel force that was pushing him down.

He was going into shock.

His hands and chest and forehead began to itch, spiking with hot stinging pain that penetrated through him making feel like he like there were a million tiny spider racing through him, each one of the their legs sharp and needle like. Sweat glistened on his temple, dripping down the side of his face as his eyes began to roll madly.

"KYO!" a voice, distorted and far away was shouting out to him from somewhere …maybe the other side of the door, he couldn't tell any more, it was like he was in a bubble suspended above the ground. "KYO WE HAVE TO COME IN. IF YOU CAN OPEN THE DOOR THEN DO SO, OTHERWISE WE WILL BREAK IT DOWN."

'_Hattori?'_

"Dammit! We're going to have to break down the door; I didn't like the sound of the bang."

"-Ahh, my house…ah, whatever. Here, let me."

'_What bang? Did I make a bang? Oh…wait…I'm lying on the floor, when did I-?'_

There was an almighty crack and the whole world seemed to shake momentarily. Then next thing he knew someone was beside him and turning him around onto his back. A sharp light was blocked by a hunched figure who kneeled over him.

"Kyo? Can you hear me?"

'_Yes.'_

"It wasn't my fault." The words tumbled from the cat's lips, and his mind buzzed confusedly. That wasn't what he was trying to say.

'_It wasn't my fault…?'_

"You've gone into shock alright? That means all of the blood has run out of your brain, I want you to lie straight to give it a chance to get back up their. Try and stay conscious ok?"

"It wasn't my fault-"

"- Don't worry. Try not to talk too much; I need you to conserve your strength for some question."

Hattori's face was now coming slightly into focus, and he could see the man's sharp eyes looking over him. He was touching around Kyo's head, looking for tender spots. The orange haired boy winced.

"Does it hurt here?"

"It was-" he gulped down the words and closed his eyes, "Y-yes."

"Here?"

"No." Kyo opened his eyes again, and blinked with sudden fatigue.

"Here?" the man moved his hands around Kyo's ear and up toward the crown. Kyo's eyes bulged, and he gave a short gasp of pained surprise. His breath hitched as Hattori's hands did not move, and his eyes conjoined with Kyo's.

"Yes."

"Hmm." Hattori took out a little pen light from his pocket and shone it in each of Kyo's eyes, causing the boys mind to reel. At least Hattori looked semi-pleased.

"Pupil's dilating. That's good."

Kyo closed his eyes again, it was as if he had just been tossed about in a huge bowl of freezing water, his whole body was shivering uncontrollably, his teeth chattering slighlty.

"Though I don't think so, you might have a concussion, so I'm going to take you to hospital. Ok?" Hattori's voice was soft, in control and authoritative.

"No." Kyo moaned. He didn't want to move, his whole body was still acing from the emotional roller coaster. He still felt like he was in a fish tank, suspended in water, and the whole world was rocking around him.

The shouting riot of his thoughts had toned down into a low mumble. Not gone. Always there. Waiting. Watching. Even if he took the slightest of notice in them they would pounce on him and engulf him.

He just wanted to sleep.

To forget.

"_YOU KILLED YOUR MOTHER!"_

"Hey!" Hattori suddenly had both hands on either of Kyo's shoulders, and the boy was sitting bolt upright, back ridged and teeth set hard into his lip. "Are you tying to send yourself into shock again!?"

He was pushed slowly to the ground again heart still racing, and that slow sickly dizziness starting to come back again.

"Haa-san, I bought some ice." A voice suddenly said from the doorway. Shigure's normally loud joyous volume had been considerably lowered, and he was speaking in soft tones.

"Thank you. I'm going to have him checked for a concussion, but on the whole I think he's just going to have so bad bruising." Hattori extended his hand out, gratefully accepting the packet of ice that Shigure kept handy in the fridge for this type of thing. After all, what with the cat and rat in the same house, anything was possible.

Kyo could feel his breath hitching again, but his teeth had stopped chattering, and his body was slowly beginning to stop shaking. There was a long pause as Kyo closed his eyes and let out a long breath, coughing slightly. His mouth was slowly filling with an iron tasting liquid that he knew to well.

His head was also pounding now with a hot blaze which seemed to get hotter and hotter with every hit. As if reading his mind Hattori put the ice against the boy's injury, and Kyo felt a moment of satisfaction run through his body.

Shigure suddenly spoke.

"Kazuma-san should be here in a few minutes as well, Tohru just got off the phone to him."

'_Kazu…-Shishou!?'_

Kyo was about to throw himself back up into a sitting position, teeth set back into lip again, but clearly Shigure had already anticipated this because he had both hands clamped gently but firmly against both of the boys shoulders.

"I'm fi-"

"Kyo, this just about a little bump to the head." Shigure's dark eyes were boring into Kyo's orange ones for only a moment, but it was all it took. Understanding flooded through the boys mind and he gave out a dry heave again, spitting out a mouthful of blood as he did. He had bitten his lip to hard.

"Help me put him in the recovery position." Hattori seemed to order from far away.

"Ooh! I remember learning about that in First Aid classes at school. Do we get to perform CPR and stuff too?"

"Does he look like he's not breathing Shigure?"

'_Shishou…' _

"Oh, but I can never remember the facts that are meant to go with it!" the dog pouted leaning over Kyo as they turned him onto his side. "Stay where you are ok, I'm going to meet Kazuma-san at the door."

Kyo tried to mutter a response in return, but he found he didn't have the energy to, and that his tongue wouldn't work properly. He coughed weekly, tiny spatters of blood that had remained in his spittle dotted across the floor.

Shigure got up and left. Hattori was speaking. There were footsteps coming from the stair way…

Nothing.

'_Let me sleep.'_

He had slipped from consciousness before he could even catch site of his foster father standing panicked in the doorway.

-

_Sweet nothingness. Soft, like a mother's arms…a mother's arms? A woman's arms…_

_How can I even know about things like that?_

"_Did you ever hold me…?"_

_Yes. _

_Yes…_

_A little orange cat…petted with such affection._

_Yes._

_You held me._

_You held me no matter what…_

_I remember._

"_YOU KILLED YOUR MOTHER!"_

_It wasn't my fault. It wasn't my fault. It wasn't my fault! IT WASN'T MY FAULT!_

_Ah…but it was._

_-_

"Kyo?"

Orange eyes sprung open as the room came into sharp focus.

"Are you awake?"

'_Soft voice…Shishou.'_

Sohma Kazuma came into view, his eyes full of concern but also his usual gentle understanding patience all at once. These were the eyes that had Kyo open his anger, his sadness and pain all at once so many years ago. These eyes, this man, had a power over him that he couldn't help but want to hold onto. An embrace that didn't even have to involve his arms wound around Kyo's body.

It was all the boy could take.

"I killed her." He said it like a realization. A truth he had denied so long that he could have almost tricked himself into believing it was not so. "No matter how many times I said it wasn't my fault…I know I did it. I killed her."

"No Kyo, you didn't." Kazuma's arms were around him, holding him as the boy continued to sit, poised ridged with uncontrolled fear, the fear of confession, the down right terror of the truth.

"I did. I did. I killed her. I killed her Shishou."

"Kyo, no. You didn't. Your mother was in an accident."

'_Don't bullshit me when it's so obviously the truth.'_

"…her suffering…all because of me…"

"Kyo you know that's not true."

"I killed her Shishou, I killed her! I KILLED OWN MY MOTHER!" he screamed into the other mans shirt.

'_Because I can't say it wasn't my fault anymore…I can't pretend that I had nothing to do with it. Not now. Not when she's come back for me, not when the buried truth has resurfaced for vengeance. Not now…because my hands are stained with so much blood.'_

_-_

"It's just as I feared." Kazuma whispered closing the hospital door behind him as he came out. Kyo was asleep again, having managed to completely exhaust himself back into a state of disturbed unconsciousness.

The hospital had confirmed Hattori's diagnoses that the boy was fine aside from horrible bruising on the scalp, but they were keeping him in for extra measure to keep an eye on him overnight. Kazuma had opted to stay with the boy until morning.

"Is he in bad shape?" Hattori asked, as Shigure suddenly hushed them both, hand pressed against the receiver of his phone.

"Hello, sorry Tohru-kun…Yes, don't worry Kyo-kun is fine, but they're going to keep him here over night to check, so don't worry. Please go to school, and I'll call in to have you excused for being late. Don't worry Tohru-kun. He's fine. Really…. Really…_really_. Ok? Alright. Make sure Yuki stays out of the kitchen. Ok, bye bye."

The dog spirit hung up and looked over toward the other men. "You know how frantic she gets, no need to worry her." He smiled before sitting down on some of the sofa's provided for guests. "How is Kyo?"

"Bad. Not physically, but mentally he's a complete wreck." Kazuma sighed and also sat down, Hattori perched opposite and the three continued to talk.

"It can hardly be expected…receiving a letter like that." The dragon muttered as the Martial Artist groaned.

"Where did it come from?"

"Hakone." Shigure produced the said item from his pocket and turned it over to reveal the return address. "But it appears to have been redirected in Yokohama."

"Yokohama?" Kazuma lent forward. "That's where Kyo and I lived for a short period straight after his mother's death. I had a flat there and was going forward and backward to the dojo for work, because repairs were being made in the house. I delayed moving there so that Kyo could have some time away from the other Sohma. After about six months we moved back here to Chiba to live in the Dojo full time…Maybe it was sent to the old address and forwarded?"

"Yes." Shigure was silent for a moment, "That's quite possible." he muttered "In any case we should investigate the sender of this letter."

"Yes…" Kazuma took the letter and looked at it, "I know Hakone relatively well so I may go out there and investigate."

"What about Kyo?" Hattori asked.

"I'm afraid I don't know quite what to do. Stay with him, or try and sort out the problem. I know that he will not want to go to see the sender of the letter himself, but also won't want just anyone to do it."

"Children are so hard to please." Shigure muttered with a small titter. Kazuma shot him a look.

"You should understand a little more at least, he was the one who saw his mother die."

The dog clamped his lips shut and bowed his head, "Ah how the human mind can be twisted by those who have no consideration for how fragile it is." He whispered into his chest, a smile creeping up his face.

"In any case I'm worried about his health." Hattori cut in, "to much stress on the body can lead to all kinds of things."

"Then it's settled!" Shigure clapped his hands all of a sudden, his voice suddenly thundering out loudly and causing the other two to jump. "We're all going on holiday!"

"…Would you kindly spread your stupidity elsewhere?" Hattori asked, eyebrows raised high into his hairline as the Dog laughed again.

"Kazuma-san wants to go to Hakone to investigate the letter, Ha-san is worried about Kyo's health, Kyo needs to escape and be able to heal where he won't feel threatened to cocoon himself in his own emotions by his hate for Yuki, and I…" the dog shrugged, "I can probably keep him from jumping off Mt. Fuji when we go sight seeing."

"…" Hattori blinked, "Remarkable."

"Think about, no one has the right to open that letter but Kyo. No one can protect him from what's going to be inside, only he can prepare himself. Don't you think that it might be easier if he doesn't feel like he's got the whole of Sohma breathing down his neck?"

Kazuma smiled, "Actually you may have a point." The man stood "Very well I will get off work and leave tomorrow to Hakone, please join me with Kyo there as soon as possible if you can."

"Ok, I'll tell Yuki-kun and Tohru-kun to sit tight in the house for a couple of days. Ha-san, do you think you might be able to tare yourself away from Kami-sama for a week or so?"

Hattori sighed, rolling his eyes as he frowned, "I'll do my best." He answered.

-

"Shigure."

The dog stopped and looked over his shoulder toward Kazuma. Hattori has left the hospital only minutes before to go and plead his case with a soon to be very pissed Akito, and Shigure was about to follow him out toward his own home.

"Yes?" the dark eyed man answered evenly.

"I appreciate what you're doing…I think that out of all of us in this instance you may be able to understand Kyo the most."

"I will never feel what he has, he will never feel what I have. Pain, experiences and thoughts Kazuma-san are all unique." Shigure answered, "No one knows how someone else feels, or ever will."

"But pain is pain, and everyone knows to avoid it, everyone can understand suffering even if they don't understand the reason." The other man responded, "I don't think that you will be able to cure Kyo, but I do think that he and you can relate more for this…and perhaps help each other to heal."

"You make me sound so good hearted." The novelist laughed, "How do you know I'm not just running away. Running away from my God."

The light haired man shrugged, "Maybe you are, and maybe you aren't. I won't question your motives; it's what you do along the way that I care about."

"My my, you really do see the best in people. Haa-san will be onto my case the moment we set out." Shigure turned away.

"He doesn't know what I know."

"…No. He doesn't." Shigure's voice didn't betray a single feeling of unease, but if there was something he had learnt about Kyo's foster father it was that the man could often see into people. Kazuma was one of the few who could actually on occasions slip under Shigure's tight guard and catch hold of the hidden substance beneath.

But that's because he had seen it once when Shigure opened his heart a little to reveal a very raw emotion that was cutting into him. Once. That's all it took, and now not even the tightest of padlocks could always keep the other man out, though it worked sufficiently most of the time.

"Shigure don't you think it's about time you faced your demons too?"

"I face my demons everyday. They play along my room wall as I sleep, and whisper in my ears to my dreams. They puppet the woman who can control me and carve out every word of my existence until I am a hollow manikin poised and plastic for there own amusement." He grinned, "the difference between my demons and Kyo's are such that mine can't be gotten rid of until the end of all of this, and maybe that means until my last breath."

"If Kyo should do it, so could you-"

"-the difference is that Kyo believes he killed someone, and I know I didn't. I know that I did nothing instead, and that is undeniable."

"We'll see."

"Keep looking then. I'll organise accommodation for tomorrow while you do." Shigure laughed, before disappearing with a small wave.

Tomorrow would be a long day.

-

**And that's it! Please leave a review!**


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